Perspective (7)

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Seventh Installment

Deborah’s heart sank. The dream of swimming free at Concord Lake was dashed, but she felt, after all the distress she had caused, that she owed it to her sister and everyone else to acquiesce. So, she promised, relieved that Meredith had not been angrier. The conversation ended with a silent hug, but the inner turmoil, for herself and, she suspected, for Meredith, would continue.

Swimming back and forth along the shoreline, with everyone watching her like a hawk, had no appeal whatsoever, but she decided to take one last swim before the vacation ended. She had heard that Alex lost his favorite T-shirt in his brief attempt to swim to her rescue. When he tore it off and flung it toward the dock, it had been carried by the wind and sucked under by the waves. All attempts to find it had failed. It was black and had sunk out of sight to the mucky bottom of the lake.

But Deborah wasn’t ready to give up. No one else had goggles. Hers might give her a better chance. Without telling anyone what she was doing, she donned her bathing suit, lime green cap, and Speedo goggles and waded out into the lake. The sun sparkled on the gentle waves, relaxed voices echoed from the cabin porch, and Jiffy sat alert beside Roxy’s chair at the tip of the dock. She paddled around for a few minutes and then began diving beneath the surface, going as deep as she could and staying under as long as she dared. She interspersed the dives with gentle stroking, checked to see if Roxy looked comfortable, and then dived again. It took fifteen minutes until she saw something out of place in the mud—a wrinkle, not a stick or a rock. When her pale hand reached through the murky water and clutched it, it came away from the bottom in a cloud of muck. She swam slowly to the dock and held the balled-up shirt before Roxy, smiling and placing a dripping finger on her closed lips. Roxy grinned.

Deborah rinsed out the shirt in the shallow water near the shore and held it up as she walked toward the porch. Alex stood as she approached. At first, he looked puzzled, but then recognition spread across his face. He said nothing, but reaching for the shirt, he wrung it tightly and walked silently to the clothesline. Meredith smiled, Tony looked sideways at Jason, who was playing games on his iPad, and Trisha got up to join Alex at the clothesline.

Deborah, also smiling, returned to the water to float on her back in the shallows, looking up at the deep blue sky and puffy white clouds.

The End

Perspective (6)

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Sixth Installment

“I know you thought you were doing something safe and reasonable from your point of view, but did you consider how it might look and feel to the rest of us. If you had drowned at the cabin, I would never have been able to enjoy it again. I would have been forced to sell it or let it fall into ruin because I could not bear the memories it would bring up.

“And Alex? Did you have any idea of the predicament you put him in? He was desperately torn between Jason, because of his terror of thunderstorms, Trisha, who would never have forgiven him if Jason were hurt in any way, and his fear of losing you and failing me. It was an impossible position for him. Alex said he learned one important thing: that Roxy is of no use whatsoever in a crisis. He felt so alone and scared. And, afterward, terribly angry. That’s why he doesn’t want to talk to you about it. He’s afraid of what he might say.

“Why didn’t you go to the cottage on the other side of the lake and ask for help? They could have called us; we would have known so much sooner that you were safe, and we could have come to pick you up. I wanted to throttle Tony for not dropping everything and going to rescue you immediately. I was so angry at you and at him, so scared that you might have drowned.” 

*************************

All this poured forth from Meredith, but more calmly than Deborah had expected. Meredith now seemed reflective rather than angry. So, Deborah took the risk of describing the incident from her point of view.

“I had no idea when I started to swim that such a huge storm was coming. Before I knew it, I couldn’t see the shore in any direction. I’m a good swimmer, so I wasn’t scared, but I realize now you didn’t know that I have been swimming three times a week in a pool for the last year. I hoped that neither Alex nor Roxy would do anything to try to rescue me, putting themselves in danger. I worried about that a lot as I swam. I’m sorry I didn’t call from the opposite shore but chose, unwisely, to swim back across the lake. That was a mistake…” she trailed off.

*************************

Meredith listened without interrupting. She didn’t argue or try to persuade. She was sure of the rightness of her point of view, so felt no need to defend it. But she was determined to make Deborah promise. “Do not ever do this again. Don’t swim out towards the center of the lake. Swim back and forth along the shore at a depth that allows you to put your feet on the bottom at any moment. And don’t swim unless someone is watching. No solitary swimming!”  Her fists were clenched as she delivered the last command.

last installment tomorrow

Perspective (5)

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Fifth Installment

Meredith strode into the cabin with her usual quick, in-charge stride. She carried a large pot containing potatoes, beans, peas, and carrots that she would boil and add cream to, making the local dish called “hodgepodge,” a family favorite. She went straight to the stove, added water, and turned on the burner, not even glancing in her sister’s direction, but knowing Deborah was standing immobile in the bedroom doorway.

She heard Deborah’s unsteady voice start, “I’m sorry…,” and commanded evenly but firmly, “We won’t talk about it now or at dinner. We’ll focus on the meal and being together as a family. We will talk about this later.”  Inside, Meredith was barely holding it together, but outside, she was in charge of the situation—her jaw set, her back straight, her eyes focused. She was intent on containing her anger, but how could Deborah have been so self-absorbed and clueless about the impact of her reckless actions? Meredith’s overwhelming fear of Deborah drowning had immediately transformed into rage the moment she heard her sister was safe.

**********************

Deborah knew better than to fan the flames of Meredith’s anger. She felt both relief and a sense of absurdity when her sister said they would talk later, but she did not argue.

***********************

Trish hugged Jason, asked if he was okay, and received a simple “Sure!” in his big boy voice. She exchanged a cautious glance with Alex, who, without a word, went out to unload more food from the car, while Meredith started the grill. Trish predicted that she and Alex would be up late that night, processing everything in whispers behind the door of their bedroom on the second floor of her in-laws’ house. Alex would need lots of calming before either of them could get any sleep. She could well imagine what he must have gone through in the half hour or so that Deborah was missing.

**********************

Deborah busied herself setting the table as she was instructed. She felt calm and quiet inside. They would all pretend nothing had happened and that everyone felt happy and “normal.”  They would be polite, laugh, make jokes, focus on Jason, and enjoy the hodgepodge, grilled steak, and hamburgers. It was 5 p.m., and a glint of sunshine was peeking through the clouds. Soon her brother-in-law would arrive, his hip-mounted firefighter radio crackling, and they would sit down at the table. Roxy would get up from her nap, and Deborah would be gentle and attentive to her. Everything would, indeed, be normal for this family.

It was two days before Deborah and Meredith talked. In the intervening days, no one from the family dropped in at the cabin to visit. Roxy read and slept, and Deborah took refuge in meditation and solitude. She sank into her sadness and loneliness rather than pushing them away or blaming herself for them. She carefully reflected on her own motivations and tried to understand the others’ feelings and reactions. Her depression gradually lifted. The sadness also eased, and her resentment that no one took care of her after the ordeal receded, as she had known it would as time passed. She felt calm but guarded—buttressed against the anger she expected Meredith to express. Her sister had a temper, and Deborah had been surprised that no explosive outburst had yet occurred. Meredith had some errands in the village, so Deborah offered to drive her to the post office and elsewhere. They bantered in the car as they went. After the post office, Deborah pulled into the United Church parking lot. Meredith was puzzled, “Why are you stopping here?” 

“I wanted to give you the opportunity, since we are alone, to tell me how you felt about my swimming in the storm the other day.”

Meredith took a deep breath. Here it comes! Deborah thought.

to be continued tomorrow

Perspective (4)

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Fourth Installment

Roxy’s eyes registered Deborah’s blue suit and green bathing cap striding through the shallow water toward the pier. She saw the living, moving body, but her brain did not process the reality that Deborah was alive. Crippling sadness and overwhelming loss still gripped her. The rain had plastered her short hair to her head; soaked clothing clung to her shivering body. Her face was expressionless, and her eyes were black and empty. She watched blankly and numbly as Deborah climbed onto the dock and came towards her, making soothing sounds. She could not recognize the words.

*******************

Lifting her goggles and wiping the water from her face, Deborah saw right away that Roxy was in shock. Alex was nowhere to be seen. She walked slowly toward her shivering partner and put her dripping arms around her, murmuring, “It’s all right. I’m fine. Don’t worry; everything will be all right.”  Roxy was like a statue in her arms; rigid and cold. She needed to be warmed as quickly as possible. With an arm around Roxy’s shoulder, Deborah led her across the lawn and into the cabin. Jiffy bounced along behind them, trying to get Deborah’s attention, then, just inside the door, shook himself happily, sending spray flying everywhere. Alex was standing in a puddle holding his phone, and Jason was still playing with his iPad.

“I need to get Roxy dry and warm first, and then we can talk,” Deborah said hesitantly.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Did you call your mom to let her know I am okay?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry to worry you so much, Alex. “

“Why didn’t you come right in when the storm started?”

“By that time, I was far enough away that I couldn’t see the shore through the rain.”

“Well, you just wait until Mom gets here. She is going to be furious with you.”

“I know. I’d better get Roxy dry.”

Deborah led the still-shivering Roxy into the bedroom and began removing her clothing while Jiffy hopped on and off the bed. She toweled her off, found warm, dry sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, and tugged them over Roxy’s limbs, then led her to the bed and covered her with a warm blanket. “You’ll feel better soon, once you warm up,” she soothed.

“I thought you were dead,” Roxy spoke for the first time in a dull monotone. “I thought that was it. Dead.” 

“I’m so sorry,” Deborah apologized, touching her face and kissing her on the lips. A tear rolled down Roxy’s cheek.

Outside, Deborah could hear a vehicle approaching. Through the window, she saw a flashing light, visible against the still-dark sky. Jason woke from his iPad trance as a search-and-rescue truck pulled into the driveway.

Deborah, still in her wet bathing suit, hair askew, and Jiffy at her heels, went out to the porch to see who was on the rescue team. Jason, with his love of fire and rescue trucks, was already there, mesmerized by the flashing lights. Her brother-in-law, Tony, climbed down from the driver’s seat and smiled at her, then ruffled his grandson’s hair.

Again, Deborah started with apologies. “I’m sorry to trouble you and the fire department,” she said. “No worries,” Tony responded, with a slight chuckle as a stranger emerged from the other side of the truck. Deborah explained the drama that had unfolded only half an hour before. “As you can see, I am perfectly all right and not in need of rescuing.”

“That’s a happy ending,” Tony quipped. “We were on another call and couldn’t get here right away, but that one had a happy ending, too. Well, we’d better get this truck back. See you later.”  Deborah waved as they turned off the flashing light and pulled out of the driveway. Jason stood beside her on the porch, also waving goodbye to his grandfather.

Inside again, she found some dry clothes, dressed, and took the wet things – hers and Roxy’s – out to the line to hang. Having done all that she could to ease the effects of her selfish miscalculation, she noticed her depletion. Not just physical but mental. She felt lonely and depressed. Roxy was incapable of offering her any comfort. Alex was silent and angry, again absorbed in his phone, while Jason stared at the iPad. Meredith would return soon. With dread, she anticipated the sound of her sister’s car. She crawled under the spread on the bed next to Roxy, with Jiffy snuggling between them, and, closing her eyes, gave in to her sadness.

No one had expressed relief at her survival. No one had given her any credit for her level-headedness and strength in the ordeal. No one had “taken care” of her in any way once she was onshore, except for that small smile from her brother-in-law. They all seemed absorbed in their own take on what had happened and how it had affected them. She felt profoundly tired and alone. Automatically, she began breathing deeply and slowly. Eventually, she felt sleepy.

But before she drifted off, she heard a car approaching the cabin. It would be Meredith with the family’s supper fixings, and Trisha, Jason’s mother. She lifted her heavy body from the bed, sighed deeply, and, straightening her shoulders, opened the bedroom door.

to be continued tomorrow

Perspective (3)

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Third Installment

Meredith speed-dialed her husband, Tony, a senior firefighter in the local volunteer fire department. He picked up immediately, “What’s up?” 

“You need to get to the lake right away. Deborah went swimming in the storm, and they can’t find her.”

 “Okay, who’s there with her? Where are you?”

 “Alex and Roxy are there, but they can’t swim well enough to look for her. I’m at home.” 

“I’m on another rescue call right now, but I’ll get there as soon as I can,” Tony responded.

“Damn it!” thought Meredith, but Tony hung up before she could argue.

She dialed Alex back, “They are on their way.”  She put down her phone, gave in to her fear, and began to cry.

*******************

Roxy stood like a statue at the end of the dock, frozen, drenched, her mind filled with darkness. Her only thought was, “I’ll never see her again; she’s dead.” Each time these words cycled through her brain, a gushing torrent of sorrow denser than the sheets of rain around her washed through her. Though she remained upright, she was completely unaware of her body.

*********************

Alex paced back and forth on the porch, cell phone in hand, mumbling to himself, “Hurry up, hurry up.”  Minutes were like hours. Jason took out his earbuds and played the cartoon on his iPad’s speaker. Silly, childish tunes filled the cabin.

**********************

Deborah stroked steadily, stopping every minute or so to look around. Sometimes she felt closer to the flag, and at others, she could see she had veered to the left or right. She needed to touch shore on the small stone beach beneath the flag. On either side of that beach, she knew, were trees and large rocks at the shoreline—no place to climb out of the water. She checked her direction and swam forward again. Stopping to look around broke her rhythm and slowed her progress. But gradually, stroke by stroke, she neared the dock with the flag at its tip.

Twenty feet from shore, she gingerly lowered her foot to test the depth, and it sank into the muck on the bottom of the lake. A few more strokes and she touched coarse sand. She pulled her tired body up from the water and waded slowly toward shore, larger rocks on the lake’s bottom bruising her unsteady feet.

Through the rain, she saw, with a sinking heart, a man who was standing in the doorway of the cottage withdraw inside and close the door. A flicker of confusion flared in her mind. She refocused on breathing deeply, slowing her pulse, and relaxing her tense muscles. The downpour had let up enough that she could dimly see her sister’s cabin on the opposite shore. Imagining that Alex and Roxy might be able to see her, especially her bright green bathing cap, she turned and waved both arms in hopes they would see she was okay.

As she rested in the lighter downpour, Deborah considered her options. Why had the man gone inside instead of coming to the shore to help her? Did he not see her? Should she knock on his door? She felt physically exposed in her dripping suit and shy about knocking on a stranger’s door. If the man opened it, would he help, only to later broadcast the incident throughout her sister’s small community?

Her sense of independence and self-reliance asserted itself. This was up to her. She had never been able to rely on anyone else, anyway. When she tried, they’d let her down. So, if she couldn’t seek help from the man, should she try to walk barefoot, on the muddy woods road, out to the highway to flag someone down? Did she have enough energy to swim back across the lake once the storm let up? The answer to the last question was clear. Already, after just a few minutes of rest, she felt alert, renewed, and confident.

For a short while, Deborah stood, resting in the shallow water. From time to time, she waved at the opposite shore but could see no movement there. The thunder and lightning had ended, but the rain had only diminished slightly. She knew the longer she was gone, the more worried they would be. Soon she felt ready to start back. She waded out to the edge of the mucky bottom and lifted her legs, surging forward with strong arms. “Take it slow,” she said to herself, “you can do this.”

Minutes passed, and she frequently stopped to get her bearings, but each time she checked and reoriented, she was nearer home shore. About halfway across, she could see Roxy standing stock still on the pier. A few seconds later, Alex appeared beside her. Deborah shouted and waved. No response from Roxy, but Alex’s angry voice boomed across the waves. “You get in here, right now!”  A flicker of dread rose in her chest. She had been right; they were mad at her. Alex shouted again. Deborah called out that she was coming as fast as she could and strained to pick up her pace. What would she face when she reached shore? She almost wanted to stay in the water, but that was not an option. Soon, she put her feet down on the pebbly bottom of her sister’s beach and dragged her utterly exhausted body out of Concord Lake. The rain had finally stopped.

To be continued tomorrow