Out of the Ordinary: the sacred in the mundane

I enter the Japanese Garden through the Shinto Gateway, the Torii, which marks a transition from the mundane to the sacred. This morning, I’m not looking for the sacred but simply a place to rest my eyes, mind, and body. This particular Torii resides in Stanley Park, in the Western Massachusetts town of Westfield, what I have dubbed the “middle America of New England,” where conservative values, working-class families and businesses, community spirit, and the American dream appear to be embraced with gusto.

Beyond the gateway, robed in every shade of green, lies a perfectly proportioned landscape. Thoughtfully placed benches, most sporting plaques in memory of departed loved ones or honored benefactors, nestle in shady patches. Smooth and jagged stones are strategically placed to delight the eye. Manicured trees, reminiscent of bonsai, glow green in the early morning sun. Flowing Japanese-style structures blend with the scenery. Simply elegant bridges span bubbling streams.

I stroll lazily, framing the natural beauty in my lens, noticing the coolness of the air on my skin, hearing the burbling brooks, and delighting in the shapes, sounds, and freshness around me.

A middle-aged woman in a floppy sunhat, sweating from the exertion, pushes a large stroller along the path. A grandmother with twins, I think. I say good morning, wanting to acknowledge that we are sharing this earthly space. I had consciously decided to greet each person I met this morning, looking them openly in the eyes. She pauses and responds. I notice that it is not children, but a white-snouted dog enclosed in the mesh stroller. I compliment her on the ingenuity of this arrangement, and she explains with a fond smile that her old dog enjoys the outdoors comfortably while she gets her morning workout.

I wander downward to the floor of a small valley and along the edge of a dancing stream. Ahead of me, a young mother with her toddler son uses the activity paper she picked up on the way into the park to point out rocks, water, plants, insects, and squirrels. Her bare arms are tattooed colorfully, and I bristle momentarily. But my curiosity overcomes my distaste, and I wonder what has caused her to decorate her body thus. I’ll Google later, I promise myself, and ask why tattoos are so popular these days.

Following the brook, I come to The Braille Walk—a short section of the path set off by a knotted rope. Next to each knot is a sign in English and Braille describing what a blind traveler might hear, smell, or sense in her immediate surroundings. I think how lovely, how inclusive.

It’s quiet, uncrowded, bright, clear and cool. A waterfall rushes joyfully down into the first of two large artificial ponds, turning a waterwheel on its way. Ducks swim passively. Single parents with single children wander aimlessly. Canadian geese, who had been feeding in the field beyond a few moments ago, fly honking noisily overhead and land gracefully among the unfazed ducks. A sign begs the guests in this welcoming corner of the earth not to feed bread to the birds, causing disease and death, but instead, to buy a small handful of proper food for fowl to cast on the waters.

A wooden boardwalk borders the upper and lower ponds. Like other wanderers, I peer over its railings to the brownish depths below, startled by what I find. Dozens of enormous koi, speckled white, black, and red, swim lazily along the shore, looking for a handout. They weave past each other endlessly and gracefully, parting the muddy waters. I stand, relaxed and delighted, wishing for someone to share this perfect moment in time and space—longing for someone beside me, to echo my smile and look deeply into my eyes, reflecting what I see, knowing what I know. But life has taught me no one sees exactly what I see and feels what I feel, so I pull back inside myself and gaze at the large, lumbering fish, appreciating their patience and calmness.

Two dogs pass each other and me on a bridge; one is a large boxer whose owner mumbles to it urgently in a foreign language. The other, serene and beautiful in its sleek black and white body, sniffs my leg as it passes. Good morning, I say to its owner, and he responds in kind. I tell him his dog is beautiful, and he says thank you.

Pads crowd the lily pond, but no lilies. I walk over its arched stone bridge and into the bright, undappled sunlight, away from the tended, managed, perfectly curated gardens and water features along the path to the wilderness sanctuary. This stretch is even quieter, except for the mild and unintrusive hum of distant traffic. Trees shade the way, but a closely trimmed lawn carpets an intentional clearing near the entrance. The sun beams down on the dew-laden grass. I think it is the perfect place for a picnic, but move on.

I meet no one. The river meanders on my left. The path slopes down. Mud from the recent rain makes it necessary to pay attention to where I place my feet. I come to an opening in the trees, a collection of large rocks on the riverbank, and stop, knowing I must turn and retrace my steps before my aching back, tired legs, and the slight chill on my skin strain my enjoyment of this place.

And so, I do turn, walk up the gentle slope, back past the sun-warmed clearing, across the stone bridge, up several tiers of terraced steps, and towards the rose garden at the top of the hill.

I need to use the toilet. I skirt the party venue, the concert venue, the manicured gardens of brightly colored annuals, the rose gardens far past their prime, and the formal fountain. I arrive at the spotless restrooms, where I relieve the building pressure in my aging bladder.

Relaxed again, I walk back the way I came. As I pass the wedding venue, I see two middle-aged Indian women in Saris and hear them chatting in their native language. The nearby clock tower tolls the half hour. Beneath it, a family of tourists takes photos of itself and speaks excitedly in what, Polish?

Again, I slowly and cautiously descend the stone stairway, which minutes ago I climbed, to the bottom of the narrow valley, to the ponds, the waterfalls, the streams, ducks, koi, and geese. A cluster of families with young children gathers on the pathway to the covered bridge—a gaggle of geese and kids are making an awful commotion. I pick my way between them, careful to avoid goose splat, pass through the coolness of the shaded bridge, and climb up the other side of the valley, wending my way back to the Japanese Garden for one last glimpse of order before I depart. A family sits on a ledge overlooking the falling water—an elderly man in a wheelchair decked out in sweatpants and slippers, a husband and wife, and a small child. I wonder if this is a Sunday morning outing for Dad, who may live in a nearby nursing home. Again, good morning, I say, and they smile.

Tired, satiated, and quiet within, I approach the end of my stroll—the Torii Gate, where I began. I sit briefly on a sun-warmed bench overlooking Stanley Park, a modern-day Eden where the ordinary and the extraordinary are interwoven. I think of the words from the creation myth in Genesis, chapter one. “God saw everything God had made, and it was good.”  I also think of the part of the story that tells us we are destined to tend and care for, protect, enhance, and love the goodness of which we are an integral part. I breathe in the variety, the abundance, the freshness, the vitality surrounding me in that ordinary moment, and it is, indeed, supremely good.

(Thank you to Nancy S., who encouraged me to write about this sacred moment.)

Reader Comments on The Blue Room

The Blue Room is wonderful. It is gripping. I intended to read for a few minutes and could NOT put it down. I forced myself to stop about halfway through because I was hungry. I can’t believe this is your debut novel. I would believe it if you said this was your fifth or tenth book. It is lovely, soft, precise, strong, enrapturing. –Corinne E.

*****

I finished your book last night. I got so enthralled I stayed up late to finish it. I really enjoyed it! –Nancy Collins

*****

What a wonderful novel you wrote!  It spoke totally to me, and I am going to read it again, leisurely so I can benefit from it and also write to you with details of what moved me the most. I hope you are considering writing another one!  –Pilar Tirado

*****

I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed reading The Blue Room.  It left me wishing for my own such space…Congratulations on your accomplishment! –Mary Born

*****

I just finished reading The Blue Room. I …am so impressed at how you fleshed out the story. Your emphasis on detail and colorful prose captured Kathryn’s essence and made her very believable and real to the reader. I guess knowing you and sharing our experiences with the writing group, I can, with empathy, understand the hard work and the commitment you gave to creating the book. You did a superb job and brought light to a topic that we need to know more about. –Deanna Baxter, Author of Willows By Flowing Streams

*****

Finished The Blue Room yesterday. Read it in 3 sittings. I enjoyed it a lot. I knew the writing would be clean: yours always is. It also flows well…I’m sympathetic to the characters—even Mom, eventually. So, good job staying away from stereotypes. Perhaps because I’ve been having back problems all week (my chronic pain, I guess)—I read some of TBR on my back in bed yesterday—I especially liked the latter part of the book on Kathryn’s fighting back against her pain, and also the chapters on her chronic pain group. There, I think, is your audience. –Richard Wile, Author of The Geriatric Pilgrim and Requiem in Stones

*****

[I] wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed and appreciated your new book.  I always knew you were an excellent journalist and academic writer, but congratulations on such a powerful novel, which I think will be of help to many people. –Anita Marson Deyneka, Author of I Know His Touch and A Song in Siberia

*****

I finished The Blue Room this morning. WOW, and congratulations. What a stunning, often heartbreaking journey through pain, both of the soul and body, you have shared with us. Thank you! I couldn’t put it down for the past two days.  I need to sit with it and let it all sink in. The story you have told is very impactful.  I had no understanding of chronic pain prior to this. My heart goes out to you and those who suffer and live with such pain. –Sandra Eldred

*****

What a book you have written!  I like the rhythm of your prose…it changes smoothly when it needs to. Your writing is highly readable, so the reader can easily keep pace with the story as it moves ever forward.

There is so very much in the story that is familiar to me! The time frame, the cars, the housing conditions, clothing and hairstyles, the methods and thinking and attitudes around work, school, family, gender roles, teaching, education, behavior, morals, and discipline—it stirs up so many memories—not all of them good.

This is a story that must resonate with a large fraction of the women of the world. Or at least the Western world. Western society lays relentless, conflicting, and impossible demands and expectations on women of every type, at home, at work, and in the wider community. Many spend all their lives and every iota of energy meeting the wants, needs, and expectations of everyone around them, but rarely for themselves. It is toxic, draining, and damaging. And we blame ourselves, second-guess ourselves, and believe that somehow it is all our fault.

All this to say, WELL DONE YOU!!! You must be very proud of what you have accomplished. Writing is hard work. Doing it successfully is harder still. Thank you for involving me a little bit in the birth of your book (it was great fun!) and for the lovely acknowledgment you have afforded me. –M.L. Whitehorne, Cover Artist and Astronomer

*****

Deepest Longing, Greatest Fear

Roaring breakers,
Pound t’ward the land.
Bare icy feet
Stride ‘cross the sand.

Clean bracing wind
Whips strands of hair.
Streams past my ears,
The whistling air.

Bright sunbeams strike
My smiling face.
Sky’s azure blue
Wears clouds of lace.

Ocean’s deep thrum
Brings bubbling joy,
But freezing fear
Delight destroys.

That day, I walked
The beach alone
I saw at last
What I most loved—

Eternal sea
And boundless waves,
Sky blue, sun’s diamond
Rays above.

And yet, that day
I also knew
The end of me
I dreaded most—

To drown at sea,
Ice cold and tossed,
While choked the breath
From my life’s throat.

This truth, I see,
As I grow close
To death’s embrace,
Oh, dread delight.

We fear the most
Our hearts desire,
We love the most,
What we most fight.

We deeply long
For home. Go home!
One with the Source
From whence we came.

Our greatest fear?
To lose ourselves
Absorbed into
Life’s force again.

Annihilation—
Love’s abyss.
Union—
End of separateness.



The Relief of Letting Go

My friend, Jim, is a crotchety nonagenarian. He has been crotchety his entire life, more or less charmingly so in his youth but annoyingly intensifying as he has grown older. Like many his age, he has consigned everything modern to the rubbish heap and glorified everything he remembers of the good old days. As he has aged, he has grown more self-centered, believing his views are the only correct ones, his tastes are the most tasteful, and his ways of doing things are the only sensible ways. Some of his ways of doing things involve growing his hair and beard long, eating sausage for breakfast every morning, and devouring an entire quart of ice cream at a sitting.

Jim’s health has been gradually declining, and he is less able to care for himself. The decline is noticeable to everyone who sees him regularly, but he won’t admit it. He insists that he can live independently, make all his own decisions, and do so ad infinitum. He believes he does not need to change anything about his life and has gruffly rebuffed all attempts to hire caregivers or suggestions he move to a more supportive living situation.

A little while ago, Jim fell and broke his collarbone. Overnight, he could no longer cook his breakfast sausage, pull up his pants and put on his suspenders, write his checks, or accurately sort his medications. His family bravely and good-naturedly stepped in and did what they had wanted to do for quite some time. They took over his finances, cleaned up his apartment, sent him for a haircut, and insisted he move to assisted living, at least for a month of respite care, until his collarbone healed and he could be reevaluated for independent living. He did not enthusiastically embrace this plan, but surprisingly, he acquiesced more quietly than expected. 

When I visited him in his new efficiency apartment, I was amazed at the transformation. He was more cheerful than I had seen him in years. The boundaries of his life had shrunk to a one-room studio, with a huge closet containing a few of his clothes, a TV with minimal channels, three meals a day served in the facility’s dining room, medications delivered and taken on time, and lively interactions with the staff. They take him for who he is and chide and prod him in a no-nonsense fashion. He mentions a couple of them fondly. He is less isolated than he was when living alone, though he still stays in his room most of the time.

I ask him how he’s doing, and he jokes about not knowing what will happen to him, so he doesn’t bother thinking or worrying about it. One of his children has taken over his finances, and he has no idea how the bills are being paid or how much money is in his bank account. His life has become simpler. The staff takes him to meals, helps him to bathe and dress, and transports him to doctor’s appointments. They do his laundry and give him his pills. He just goes with the flow. Finally, after months of resistance, he has learned to use his cell phone because it is now the only way to stay in touch with family and his few remaining friends. It’s all okay, he says lightly.

I reflect back to him that he seems more peaceful, and he doesn’t disagree. I float the notion that he has let go of control of his life and seems happier for it. He shrugs and chuckles. Once his respite stay is up, if he becomes a permanent resident of this assisted living facility, I think he will do so without a fight. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. His surrender and his letting go are a relief for all of us—his family, his friends, and Jim himself. Even if temporary, Jim’s transformation is one more proof to me that miracles happen.

Announcing my Novel, “The Blue Room”

I’m pleased to announce that my first novel, The Blue Room, is now available on Amazon.com in Kindle ($13.00) and Paperback ($17.00) formats. You may also order it directly from me by emailing moriahfree@gmail.com

Thank you to everyone who has supported and encouraged me in its writing. May Kathryn’s story of healing and transformation resonate with all who read it, especially those who face the daunting challenge of living with chronic pain, illness, and emotional trauma.

************

Excruciating pain on the left side of her body wakes Kathryn from her trance of loneliness, stress, and exhaustion. She has pushed her mind and body beyond their reasonable limits; now, she is paying for it. She has ignored her physical and emotional needs and brushed aside her sadness while compulsively caring for others.

Now her body is screaming, enough! Stop!

But no matter what she tries, the pain does not stop.

Unable to work, sleep, or escape from the suffering and desperate for relief, she goes to see Dr. White, a pain management specialist. Their year of therapy transforms her life. The setting for her metamorphosis is The Blue Room. In this imaginary inner sanctuary, she discovers how the past has molded and imprisoned her and how she can set herself free.

Of Tulips and Letting Go

In the fall of 2023, I purchased a package of twenty-four tulip bulbs from White Flower Farm. I planted them in the mid-November chill of Mid Coast Maine, hoping they would grace my front yard with some cheerful color come spring. Tulips and daffodils, like every other perennial, are always a risk in our frigid northern climate. I lose several plants yearly, no matter how carefully I bed them down for the winter. As I planted the bulbs, I remember saying to myself and others, “If this doesn’t work out, that’s it; no more attempts at my advanced age to improve the garden.”

Spring comes late in Maine, and I expectantly examined the front garden for weeks in April before I noticed the tiniest of green shoots poking through the brown soil. The steadily growing leaves, coaxed on by days of drenching rain and the occasional few hours of sunshine, cheered me tremendously. Leaves but no stems, though. My experience with daffodils has been that after the first year of blooms, I usually get nothing but leaves in subsequent years, no flowers. I feared the tulips would go the way of the daffs. But no, gradually, hearty green stems with tightly sealed blossoms shot up from the parting leaves. I counted. All twenty-four bulbs had produced a bud. I was amazed and gratified. Now, all I had to do was wait until the sunshine coaxed the buds into bloom. Or so I thought.

This spring, my household hosted a family of four chipmunks on and under our patio. We, the cats, and the dog watched, mesmerized as they scampered around, under, and over the patio furniture with acorns stuffed in their cheeks. They dug a neat burrow at the edge of a flower bed and, we imagined, created a warren of tunnels beneath it with living, pantry, and sleeping quarters branching off the main thoroughfare. These fantasies tickled us. Mom, Dad, and the two kids settled into their new home, slithering in and out of it many times a minute. We were delighted with their antics and those of their cousins, the grey squirrels, who are also abundant this spring. Last year was a mast year (a boom season) for acorns, so squirrels and chipmunks multiplied exponentially. Our side garden was a rodent carnival.

Meanwhile, out front, I noticed, one by one, the unopened tulip blossoms disappear, and their green leaves torn and tattered. Oh no! It must be the chipmunks and squirrels! But they don’t eat all tulips, apparently, because my neighbor’s yard was a riot of red, orange, and yellow flowers, as were many other gardens in our community. My heart sank. After all that work, waiting, and hoping, these entertaining little creatures, without regard for human labor, had stolen my joy.

I gave myself a little talking to: “They’re just flowers, they’re ephemeral anyway. They weren’t that expensive, so the loss is no big deal. You told yourself if this didn’t work, you wouldn’t try again, so just let it go!” Nevertheless, I googled how to prevent squirrels from eating tulips and found a recommendation to try cayenne pepper. We had none in the house, so I sprinkled red pepper flakes around the base of each plant instead. Completely ineffective. 

Having given up on a riot of color like my neighbor’s, I considered how I might redeem the situation. I know so little about flowers and gardening that I had no idea what might happen if I cut the few remaining tightly closed tulip flowers and put them in water indoors. Even this modest experiment was fraught with risk. One of our cats eats flowers, so I had to hide my vase with the unopened tulips in the bathroom. Talk about letting go of my dream of a pretty bed of tulips in the front garden! I was making do with a few tiny green buds on the bathroom vanity behind a closed door. But somehow, the joy was just as sweet when I opened the door to these delicate blooms one morning.

This experience, in all its silly simplicity, speaks to me of the wisdom of letting go. Because so much is beyond our control and everything is constantly changing, creating any plan, investing any effort, and expecting or hoping for any particular outcome are risky business. We do all three continually, of course; they come as naturally as breathing. However, the pervasive visceral tension we carry proves that we live in a constant state of risk—risk of loss, failure, or disappointment. Any time we wake up to this reality is a moment of potential change. Missing tulip blossoms can speak to us of the groundlessness of our existence. They may carry the gift-wrapped message of surrender. Opening a bathroom door to behold pale reflections of pink and white flowers can offer a lesson in revision and redemption.

And how closely married are delight and destructiveness – chipmunk and squirrel antics on one side of the coin and flower devastation on the other. Imagine the deliciousness of tulip petals to a squirrel’s palate! Consider my sober, reasonable resolution not to waste time and money planting tulips again. The whole funny, frustrating, messy situation can be profoundly instructive if I let go and let it be so.

We never know what exquisite new vista the portal of disappointment will offer us or what ultimate peace might issue from the surrender of letting go.

Dignity or Indignity

I frequently visit a long-term care facility near my home. My dog and I go once a week to offer pet therapy to the residents. We walk from room to room, greeting the patients who pet the dog, smile at his simple tricks, and feed him treats as a reward. Occasionally, I also serve as a hospice volunteer in this facility, watching with someone who is dying through the dark hours of the night. For one reason or another, I’ve spent a good deal of time visiting nursing homes in Maine and Massachusetts, and this facility, in my experience, is one of the best. From an outsider’s point of view, it is clean and well-managed, with a full complement of services and a clientele that seems satisfied with their care. The staff is friendly to my dog and me, speaks kindly to the patients and treats them with gentleness.

            Still, even in this seemingly best-case scenario, there are sometimes heart-breaking and gut-wrenching situations. Recently, nearing the end of a morning visit with my dog, I approached a patient we know well, who loves the little pup and whose attention he welcomes. She was sitting in her wheelchair in the hallway outside her room, looking anxious. I asked her what was bothering her, and she said she had been waiting for a long time for someone to take her to the bathroom. The young social worker who had just left her side had gone in search of a nursing aide to assist her. “It’s so hard,” she said, “when one gets old and bladder control is not what it used to be, and you call and call, and no one comes. Things have gotten worse,” she said. “One waits longer and longer now.” I expressed my sympathy and felt frustration rising in my chest. I also noticed a high-pitched wailing coming from the room opposite hers.

Someone else was also in distress. The room had a barrier across the door with a large stop sign in the center, indicating that only authorized personnel could enter. These detachable and portable barriers became common at the height of Covid outbreaks. “Help! Please help!” came the weak plea from the bathroom inside the room, but I could not go in to see what the matter was. I surmised the resident, whom we also know well, had been sitting on the toilet for a long time and was in discomfort or pain. The social worker approached again and reported that a nurse would be along shortly, after she finished putting another patient in bed. Timidly, I pointed toward the Stop sign and asked if she knew someone else needed help. She looked daggers at me, I guessed, for interfering, so I said goodbye to our friend in the wheelchair and walked on, frustrated, sad, and embarrassed for all of us.

The next day, when talking about aging with a group of healthy women in their sixties and seventies, I told this story and commented that this sort of indignity may await us all. I believe this common occurrence in senior care facilities is not the fault of nurses or other staff, social workers, or families, I argued, but the result of an ageist society that does not value the lives of those who are no longer financially or physically productive. An uncomfortable silence, a few somber nods of recognition, and a change of subject followed my candid expression of opinion. Understandably, no one wanted to discuss toileting in nursing homes or dwell on the possibility of finding ourselves in similar situations down the aging road.

I wrote about the indignities of the senior healthcare system in an extended series on The Elderly and End-of-life Care in 2017 when I launched this blog. Things have not changed since then, and because of further staffing shortages, they have worsened in many ways.

This kind of indignity may await all of us. More and more of us are living into our nineties because of medical advances producing life-prolonging disease treatments and cures. The healthcare system is stretched beyond measure, caring for an ever-increasing percentage of seniors in our population. We take advantage of every possible means to prolong our lives. Covid has decimated the ranks of healthcare professionals, and the greed of insurance and drug companies complicates matters further. I frequently hear my contemporaries say that the system is broken. They can’t get direct face time with their primary care doctors, or appointments with specialists, or get their prescriptions promptly. Doctors and nurses are quitting in frustration or from burnout. In-home care is exorbitantly expensive, and the agencies that deploy homecare workers are limping along with a few staff members. Of course, the financially secure have it far better than low-income people. That goes without saying, but no matter how financially secure you are, your dignity will be in jeopardy if you can’t get someone to take you to the bathroom.

Or will it? In these recent posts, I’ve been encouraging us to think about practicing for The Big Let Go—death. I’ve been recommending we consider learning to let go in small ways in ordinary daily situations to be ready to let go in a big way at the end of our lives. Am I suggesting that we must let go of our dignity? No. I am proposing that we consider where our dignity truly resides.

Does our dignity depend on how others treat us, or is it reflected in and demonstrated by how we treat others? My friend waiting for assistance to go to the bathroom was calm, polite, and sad but not angry, even though she faced the indignity of potentially soiling herself while she waited. The other patient, pleading for assistance from her bathroom, said, “Please.” Can we learn to relinquish the external signs of dignity while holding on to our inner poise, beauty, and self-esteem? And how can we practice doing that today?

How do we respond when someone wounds our dignity in small or large ways? Can we still insist upon the outward recognition of everyone’s dignity while more highly valuing intrinsic worthiness, integrity, humility, and courage as the essence of our humanity?

We may not all end up in situations like the patient in the wheelchair waiting for assistance with toileting. We may be lucky enough to die suddenly or in the comfort of our homes, surrounded by those who love us and tend promptly and respectfully to all our needs. We may live an active and independent life, avoiding physical dependency on others to the end. But if we don’t practice letting go of external signs of respect while holding fast to inner dignity, we may lack the necessary interior resources to draw upon as we approach The Big Let Go.

Cherished Outcomes

If you want to accord with the Tao,

Just do your job, then let go.

The Tao Te Ching, translated by Stephen Mitchell

I’m a planner, but I’m not naïve enough to think that meticulously planning something will make it turn out exactly how I want it to. Decades of experience have taught me that control is an illusion—a dear one. Still, planning is in my bones, and I might as well embrace it as part of who I am. Planning, like everything, has its shadow side and its bright side. The shadow side is about clinging—to outcomes. The bright side is about creativity, fruition, and letting go.

Giving myself fully and genuinely to a task or project without getting attached to the final product is one of my biggest challenges. How does one go all-in on something without being wedded to the result? I care; therefore, I plan. I do everything possible to ensure the desired outcome has its best chance.

I’m talking about passion—giving everything you’ve got, then offering your beloved creation to the world and letting go. Huge risk, right? Like nursing an injured baby seal that has beached itself. You painstakingly feed it, protect it, and watch it regain its strength, then set it free with absolutely no expectation that you will ever see it again or faith that it will survive beyond your sightline as it heads out into the deep. Or, like a parent raising a child, I imagine, since I have never raised one.

A friend of mine advocates “holding things lightly,” meaning, I think, that caring passionately and relinquishing control are both essential to being fully alive. It is possible to be committed to an outcome and hold it lightly, ready to let it go. Challenging but possible.

Scientists tell us we are hard-wired for planning. Research has shown that some areas of the brain, known as the default mode network, carry out this planning function. They

become active when our attention is not occupied with a task. These systems function in the background of consciousness, envisaging futures compatible with our needs and desires and planning how those might be brought about….Human brains have evolved to do this automatically; planning for scarcity and other threats is important to ensure survival….Our background thinking is essential to operating in the world. It is sometimes the origin of our most creative images.”  Why we are hard-wired to worry, and what we can do to calm down (theconversation.com)

So, we will plan no matter what, and sometimes planning, when unhooked from worry, can be a very creative and valuable form of flow state. If I am going to plan, I want to give it my very best effort. I want the idea and the plan for its execution to be as detailed as possible, take as many contingencies as conceivable into account, and be thoroughly tested, broadly vetted, and profoundly considered. I want to be wholly absorbed, plan passionately, launch my plan confidently and enthusiastically, and then let go of the outcome!

Why? Because no matter the outcome, whatever happens—success, disaster, or somewhere in between—is an opportunity for learning, growing, transforming, and embracing reality just as it is.

Sometimes, when I meditate, my mind is pulled toward a problem that captivates me or a situation that needs resolution. I try to turn away from the flow of thoughts and return focus to my breathing once, twice, three or more times. Finally, I will sigh and let my mind have its way, go with the flow. Sometimes, the most fitting solutions emerge from giving my default mode network free reign. I’ve learned, though, not to act on these plans immediately but to let them mull and mature for a while and to be willing to let go of them, to change my mind.

During my 71 years, life has required me to let go of hundreds of cherished outcomes for multiple carefully laid plans. It’s gotten easier as I’ve begun to notice a pattern of unexpected gains amid losses, of auspicious signs amid clouds of disappointment. Gradually, I’ve become more curious about than afraid of the unknown final outcome of life—my life.

This past week, the Christian Church celebrated Ash Wednesday, the day of the year when we look death straight in the eye and remember that we all came from dust and will ultimately return to it. “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” One of the ministers at the Episcopal Church in my town told me that some clergy are now reciting the words, “Remember that you are stardust, and to stardust you shall return,” when they imprint the sign of a cross in ashes on their members’ foreheads. The words point to our smallness and our greatness and are a sparkling reminder that we have always been and will always be part of the immense universe. How I cherish that outcome!

Open or Shut

In the last post, I wrote about practicing for the ultimate let go at death by letting go regularly in daily life. The notion is that we get better at letting go the more we do it. Before further exploring the wisdom of letting go, I want to explore a phenomenon that often accompanies it—the experience of shutting or closing down.

Letting go implies some degree of attachment or clinging. Releasing our hold on something is frequently a viscerally painful experience. Relinquishing our illusion of control can seem almost impossible. We think we’ve done it, but our controlling behavior insidiously creeps back in. Letting go of cherished hopes and expectations brings feelings of loss, disappointment, and grief. Setting free those we love can feel like ripping our hearts out. Letting go can provoke anxiety and fear—a sense of lostness, vulnerability, and meaninglessness. All of these feelings, I suspect, are also common as we approach death. The supreme challenge in letting go is to stay open, receptive, and hopeful instead of closing or shutting down and donning the protective armor of fantasy, cynicism, or denial.  

Let’s bring it closer to home with an example. You offer an idea to a group of your peers. It’s an idea born of years of experience and hours of careful thought about the problem you’re all trying to solve. Your group has struggled with this problem for a long time and made no progress. Your idea seems bold and a little far-fetched, perhaps intuitive rather than logical, but you can think of no other way. Not only does the group reject your suggestion without seriously considering it, but they ridicule you for offering such a risky proposal. They are sure you’re mistaken.

Okay, you think, just let it go. This suggestion is the best I have to offer; now, I must let go and let whatever happens happen. You relinquish control and wait, but not with a feeling of open anticipation and hopefulness. Instead, you shut down, you can’t stay open to the ideas of others, and you can’t entertain any new ones of your own. You may feel rejected and withdraw physically or emotionally. You close down—put on a defensive armor that blocks your participation in life’s miraculous, ever-changing flow.

Authentically staying open after genuinely letting go is one of the most elusive of human responses. Three orientations may promote this precious openness. They were suggested to me by the poet and philosopher David Whyte, the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön, and the Christian saint Julian of Norwich. I can’t decide if these attitudes have a hierarchy of value, so I will offer them alphabetically by first name.

David Whyte. Recently, a friend told me about his book Consolations, first published in 2015 but which I had not encountered before a couple of weeks ago. It is a series of reflections on the meaning of various words. Oddly enough, his reflection on silence is the one that gives me a clue about how to stay open after letting go.

“Reality met on its own terms demands absolute presence, and absolute giving away…a rested giving in and giving up; another identity braver, more generous and more here than the one looking hungrily for the easy, unearned answer.” [Page 116]

“…braver, more generous, and more here.” The ability to remain bravely and generously present in the reality of each moment brings about the stance of openness. It is much easier, perhaps only ever possible, to welcome what is happening here and now.

Julian of Norwich. An anchoress in the Middle Ages, Julian famously wrote in her Revelations of Divine Love, “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.” The phrase expresses a generalized hope that everything will ultimately turn out not only okay but well and beautifully. Specific hope for a particular outcome may be doomed to disappointment, but general hope in the goodness of life and death enables one to stay open after letting go.

Pema Chödrön. One of Chödrön’s prevailing themes across all her writing is learning to be comfortable with the natural human condition of groundlessness—accepting and familiarizing oneself with uncertainty and feeling safe amid constant change. Buddhists call it impermanence, one of the Three Universal Truths of Buddhist philosophy—safety without control.

So, as I write and we think together about letting go without shutting down or closing up, can we draw on the wisdom of these three guides and remain open in the here and now, with a sense of cosmic hope and ultimate safety? Let our imagination peel back the layers of our chests and gently open our hearts to the miraculous mystery that letting go will reveal.